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[Jul. 3rd, 2006|01:58 pm] |
Well fuck this. My God this is rediculous.
Yeah so I stayed up all night with intention of restricting or whatever. I go to sleep, and as soon as I wake, its my mind goes "Kitchen" and now I've binged. Whoopie fucking doo. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2005|11:00 am] |
Haven't updated this journal in a looooong ass time. Shit, its now the end of September. Well right now, I'm only eating like a few apples a day. So I'm gonna see how this works out.
That woman I saw at the Y just really got me determined. She was soooo thin and just perfect. So lean and shit. I can't see how people say, that when you starve yourself,your body eats muscle, and leaves fat, because like, Christian Bale in "The Machinist" was fucking emaciated, but still have a little muscle even though he was all bones. Like he still had abs and shit.
I hate my fat face and my teeth. My dad just yelled at me for smoking in the house. FUCK, I need a car, and my OWN place where I can read, watch all the movie channels, and not eat, and smoke all I fuckin want. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|04:42 pm] |
Holy shit, haven't updated in a long ass time.
Well anyway, I'm on a fast right now. My dad says he's gonna help. I'm goin for 30 days now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2005|09:52 pm] |
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haven't updated in a while....kind of bored.....first day of fast....dunno how long i'll make it, i'll probably break tomorrow....kind of depressed, but not as deeply as other nights...i know i said i couldn't wait until school started but now, shit i don't wanna go back....fuck, i should've just moved to fucking chicago, like i said i was gonna do a million times....this year is my last, but its still gonna be as lame as the previous....my dad brought home this pack of sliced creme cake, and a bag of bbq chicken nuggets---he cooked them, i didn't eat them...there are cookies in there, had some last night---80 cals a piece...fucking waste....fuck sweets....stick with fruit and veggies---duh....bored...drank a million fucking diet sodas....need more....alot more....gary is not on.....hghhhhh....i'm gonna go see if there's anything on tv |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|09:07 pm] |
okay, so at first i was ending my thing with the ED-NOS thing...it was going good too...i was eating ok, just fruits and veggies, and i might keep doing it...
but today, i ate 2 thin pork chops and some stove top, and just felt sooo miserable afterwards....i dunno whats going on with me....i hate this....
i hate myself....i hate my body, i don't know how to make it better...should i starve, should i go vegetarian? what do i do????? omg i'm so lost and just depressed...
i ate crackers a lil while ago, and purged, and now my throat feels all hot and fucked....i'm gonna die....
uggghghghghghghghg
i just instant messaged ashley, she;s not fucking talking....
dammit |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|11:44 pm] |
*sigh*, dunno what to do...
I still think I'm fat, but I'm not really on the ED shit anymore, to tell you the truth, kind of got bored with it. Right now, I'm just working on trying to eat healthy, and tone and lose the flab. That's my main goal for now, besides getting my ass out of highschool of course.
I'm just so tired of seeing my body look the SAME way everyday. The same bulges and softness, I hate it so much. I want a small, fatless ass, smooth and toned---no stretch marks or cellulite. I hate my thighs so much, with a passion.
Today I was eating okay, mainly fruit and some peas & carrots. I had alot of cereal at about ten o'clock which was very dumb of me....to eat that shit, plus eat it so late. UGH...what am I gonna do??? Should I only eat veggies and fruit, orshould I eat some meat too, because I want boobs.
FUCK |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|02:53 am] |
So its about twelve minuts or so 'til 3:00 am. I haven't been to sleep yet, thanks to the Stackers---speaking of which, I need to get some more. All day I've been cringing at my thighs and butt, looking at the fat, and getting depressed.
Then, I watched "Million Dollar Baby" with my dad, and I got my motivation. I was watching this character, a female boxer, and I just thought to myself---I wanna be like her---I always find myself connecting with imaginary persons---she wasn't bone thin or anything, but still...
I'm gonna start hitting the Y hardcore from now on, its time to quit being a lazy ass, and time to TONE that ass... Know what I'm sayin'?
I think I'm gonna try to eat "normal" ---not 1000 cals and regular-people-food, but like, I dunno---not starving myself---just eating healthy I guess... I'm gonna try that, because I want my boobs to gain some substance.... and this ED-NOS shit is driving me mad....
I don't know what the hell I want...first its I wanna be a thin stick of a girl, now its I want the body of a fem boxer...I'm so fucked in the head, its a miracle I'm not a vegetable...
I pasted a bunch of pictures to my wall...I think I already said so earlier...any hoo...it looks scatterbrained...but oh well...had nuthin better to do....I just wanna be lean and boobfull...
I wanna read Sherlock Holmes too...
what the fuck does "Elementary, my dear Watson" mean????? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|07:54 pm] |
*Shiiiiit*
I feel so fucking fat. Of course, what, am I gonna feel thin? Pfff....
I'd been eating apples all day, so far, then went and ate some saltines and a crapload of icecream---purged that, then ate a couple more apples. Ugh...its like what the hell? What happened to when I atleast felt a tadbit thin? Like I was losing weight and feeling skinny, and now, I feel like I'm bulking up again... Maybe I need to hit the Y hardcore again because I can't stand this....
Just Monday, I felt skinny as hell, and now I feel like I did back in the beginning of the year, before this ED shit got serious and all that. WTF...This is bullshit...
My thighs and lower back feel absolutely repulsive...yet I stay between the same weight...which is from 119-123 lbs range....it's pissing me off like hell...
There is no hope for losing weight for school at all, now. I fucked it up somehow...
But atleast me and dad are getting along at the moment...I've been cutting up pictures from magazines---not only as thinspiration, but other just random pictures of people and things for visual stimulation---just something to cover my walls with, I guess. I'm really bored, and I hope this school year will atleast be more eventful than the previous one.
I want FRIENDS---I don't think I could handle a boyfriend right now, especially with feeling obese and all, but I do want to make friends this year, and try harder at getting to my goal weight. I haven't done shit, haven't had the motivation... I need something to stimulate my willpower and determination---anything....
(Hell, all I have to do is look down at my thighs) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|02:15 pm] |
I'm kind of on a "raw foods" diet right now...I woke up at around 12:30, i guess...went into the kitchen and made myself a kind of fruit salad...some grapes and a sliced up apple....then later on, i went and ate two more apples...
i just had a bowl of mustard and hot sauce about two mins ago, and now i'm full....i'm drinking a diet sprite now....i wish my dad would have woke me up before he went off to whereever he is, i wanted to go with him....fuck....and ifhe's workin tonight, which he prolly is, then i'll be alone and depressed---again...
i might call kim.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|09:45 pm] |
Haven't posted in a while cuz I had made a new account...but now I'm back on this one...*sigh*...my dad had rearranged my room, now its back to where it was...i feel so fat....my thighs and ass are huge as fuck...and all i ate were like three apples, three grapes, 2 bowls of mustard & hot sauce...(which is both 0 cals), so why the hell do i feel this THICK???
Argh, this shit is so frustrating....bought a new cell phone, and Radiohead album....I wish I could feel like I did the couple of weeks before summer school started, and like the first week during....i feel so damn chunky right now....mygawd..... |
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[Jul. 20th, 2005|05:03 pm] |
OKAY
I'm changing my ways....105---here I come |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|01:49 pm] |
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I've been trying to get a hold of my dad, because I want him to pick me up so he can take me to the gym. Of course he's not answering the phone. I've been doing poorly ever since Monday evening. FUCK....I'm rapidly running out of time to lose weight before school starts. I waisted the whole month of July, basically. I should've stuck with my "determination phase" that was going through after my last stay here at Terry's house. ARRGGHHH I feel so damn fat! |
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[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:31 am] |
*laddie, daddie, da...*
I can't really sleep. Its 2:32 am. I had so much junk yesterday. I really should hit the Y. I have GOT to do something to make me cease eating. I was doing so good at Kim's house...
I mean, what should I do? Should I go to the thinspiration site I made and just stare at the pics of models for hours on end? Maybe I should...
TJ(my nephew), commented on how fat my lower back was. Like he should talk, he's hella chubby for a 12-year-old. Nevertheless, his comment made me feel even more like shit, and now I am more determined to lose this fucking weight. This is bullshit...I need motivation and people to help me.
The people on my buddy list who claim that we should help eachother fast and shit, or totally fucking around and not helping or giving me any motivation at all. Fuck you all....
Most of all, fuck me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|07:19 pm] |
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I didn't do particularly well today, however, i am in a better mood because I'm at my brother's house. I took 4 stackers today. I went to the store in search of Icebreakers Sour Mints---didn't find them...but I got some altoid sours. Not as good, but they will have to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|12:32 am] |
dude....i juss went out back, behind my apartment, hopped this fucking fence, and walked overto Quik Trip with an intention to buy several packs of ice breakers sours mints....because they are zero cals, and taste like candy...well what do you know?
they didn't have the kind i was looking for....so i juss wastin time and energy, looking like a fool hopping fences and shit in the night....and got no mints....i'll have to go to walmart or go to 7-11 tomorrow(or today, seeing as its 12:33)..and see if i can find some.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|09:24 pm] |
Been at Kim's house since Saturday afternoon, with Tj and Ashley. I had a great time. But today, me and Kim kinda got into it when she was taking us home. I don't know why. I should've gone home with TJ & Ashley, but here I am, yet again, in my fucking stupid apartment. I swear, every second spent AWAY from this place is like pure bliss.
Haven't really been binging, just kinda eating normally. I don't care about this ED-NOS shit anymore, right now anyway. Everything just seems unimportant to me now. I feel so fucking numb. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|03:55 pm] |
what the fuck is wrong with me?
i'm like, insane
i hate this ed-nos shit
i'm sick of living here
i hate my body
i hate my dad
i hate my life
end |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|12:33 am] |
Well its 12:32....Saturday, now. Yesterday was like last Friday...the end of another binge week, basically. I dunno what to do, honestly....I'm just like rolling along in a constant depression. I hate this room, I know I've said it many times before, but now I really hate it, cuz all the pictures and posters are gone. I saved 3 tho....Bought 2 more off the net....think I said that already.....w/e
UUUUHGHUhuhuhwsunwjswknsjwnskjwnosjwnsouwsn
random boredom
ate hella cake, purged all of it....took stackers...can't sleep....bored....depressed....wanna leave house.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|06:22 pm] |
Did good I guess....
After the apple and pineapple, I went and got some books, then went to the grocery store...
Bought grapes, carrots, smirnoff, more water and diet soda....
For dinner I had---Healthy Choice meal with this pasta thingy stuffed with cheese....there were 2, I only ate 1...with a side dish of some sweet peas.....
I just had like half a 12fl oz bottle of smirnoff watermelon....that shit is 256 cals a bottle, so i stopped drinking it.....its actually kinda pointless to drink them unless i'm gonna down 5, cuz thats what it takes me to get drunk....
so.... 160
+80
+140
+200--cuz of the smirnoff
+ 60
__________
fuck like 640 |
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fattorexic's journal